This is just going to be a mixed up, probably disjointed bit of thoughts I’ve been thinking lately, along with my story as pertains to this issue.

First of all, I want to explain a little bit where I’m coming from. A long time ago (at least 10 years), someone gave my mom a pamphlet on the “dangers of vaccination” and she read off a part that there was monkey kidney cells and aborted fetal tissue in them. I literally laughed, scoffed, said “There is no way that’s true! Talk about conspiracy theories! Throw that thing away,” and we went on our merry way.

A few years later, when I became a nurse, the flu shot was mandatory. I got an email that essentially said, “If you do not get your flu shot or have proof that you got it elsewhere by this date, you will be fired.” So I got my flu shot. The next year, I got it again, and I think it was the year after that it caused cellulitis on my arm, dizziness, and 3 days of recovering from whatever it was that made me so ill. After that, needless to say, I didn’t want to get it again. I complained to one of the friendlier doctors I worked with there, and he offered to write me a note. Since then, I have not had the flu shot, and incidentally, I haven’t gotten the flu, either. But all through “flu season” I’ve had to wear a mask. I felt punished which made me a bit resentful especially since the flu shot is only 10% effective some years. While everyone else was calling in sick all flu season long, or working sick (which is totally worse), I was faithfully at work, and completely healthy. But I was the one mandated to wear a mask. I asked a few nurses about it but no one had a straight answer, even the infection control nurse. What was the evidence that forced me to wear an uncomfortable mask all day long and made my patients wonder if I was contagious? Turns out there is no evidence for it, and learning that left me feeling outraged at the lack of common sense.

A few year later, I was pregnant with Atticus and curious about vaccines. I didn’t want any “crazy conspiracy theories”, I wanted “just the facts”. So I bought Dr Sears’s The Vaccine Book and read it. The matter-of-fact ingredient lists were horrifying to me, and I decided on the spot I didn’t want any of that in my child. I immediately crossed off a few as unnecessary, but reserved the right to change my mind, and decided I would get a vaccine for him if I ever felt the benefits outweighed the risks.

Time went on, and I was very content with my healthy baby, loved him all to pieces, and after the danger age for pertussis, none of the vaccines seemed necessary to me, plus whenever I would decide to get one, I would get an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach and I just couldn’t make myself go through with it. Once I decided not to vaccinate, I was always flooded with peace, and I attributed that to God, because that’s how my relationship with him has always worked. When wondering what to do, I follow the peace.

And then came this January when the WHO listed “Vaccine Hesitancy” in its top 10 list of health threats for 2019. Not the actual diseases, mind you, but those who are hesitant about getting all 254 vaccines our children are slotted to receive. It created some outrage among the vaccine hesitant seeing as we’re all quite healthy and don’t consider ourselves a threat to anyone. (I now think we’re an empowerment to health and the direct opposite of a threat to anyone’s health, but I already covered that in a previous post).

It got me interested in looking into more of the reasons behind vaccine hesitancy, I started following a few people on instagram who were vocal about the issues, discovered this blog post (, was shocked at what I read and how everything was linked to proof throughout these crazy claims, and shortly thereafter, I discovered Del Bigtree, and then The Highwire, and then Dr Sherri Tenpenny, and Dr Suzanne Humphries, and how to use pubmed, and the list is never ending now, with so much knowledge accumulated, I really don’t know how I would start with a face-to-face conversation. What’s the most important point to get across? Where do I start? How can I condense this to a coherent paragraph? The answer is, it’s all too much. But I am attempting it, and I am learning.

In the learning curve of taking in all this information, I’ve had a lot of outrage at the injustice, the lies, the profit from chronic illness and all the needless pain, suffering, and death. It’s changed me. It’s made me skeptical where before I’ve always trusted blindly. It’s made me question everything I once believed. It’s made me want to get out of mainstream medicine. The corruption is far reaching, but I don’t care about everything else. Because vaccines are the only product that is mandated on children.

California is still a classic example of what makes the outrage and horror paralyze me for a little while and then it serves as an impetus to action. They market herd immunity as a moral duty, give out guilt trips and manipulate freely “to protect the vulnerable” and while the halo glow of their pseudo-righteousness is still shining, they attack the vulnerable. I don’t know how to say this clearly enough, the 0.9% of children who are medically exempt ARE THE VULNERABLE! To be medically exempt, you have to have a reason, and it’s very, very difficult to get a doctor to sign off on one. These children are so fragile, a doctor literally believes that a vaccine is more dangerous to them than the disease it’s trying to protect, or they’re already injured by vaccines. And this tiny group of innocent individuals is being attacked. Senator Pan (the author of the bill) says, “Will the 1% please stop trying to spread disease to the 99%?” So wait. Doesn’t herd immunity happen at 95%? The answer is no. And also no to 99%, as proven by China AND Senator Pan’s status on Facebook. And isn’t the whole point of herd immunity to PROTECT these vulnerable? I think he just answered that question for once and for all. It will never be enough. There will never be enough vaccines or enough children getting them for people like Senator Pan.

These things get to me, y’all. And sometimes the frustration leaks into what I say and post. I would never intentionally hurt or offend anyone. People who truly know me, can attest to the fact that I lean way more towards diplomacy and people-pleasing than I do towards offensive speech. Everything inside me wants to apologize if I’ve offended you…but I’m going to resist the urge. If anything I have said or say in the future makes you angry, I would love for you to come to me, but please take into account who I’m talking about…the anger is directed more at the powers that be than at anyone else…but also. If you read something that feels like a slap in the face, take a step back, evaluate if it was directed at you, if it even applies to you, and if no is the answer to both of those, then walk on by…but if the shoe fits…the rest is up to you. I carefully weigh these words and make sure I stand behind them. I will correct myself if and when proven wrong, but chances are, I won’t be taking back whatever has caused offense.

I started out tentative and so very scared. I just want to make it super clear that I NEVER saw myself doing this. I’m not an “activist” by nature. It’s been a terrifying road. I got push-back almost immediately. From a corner I never expected it from and it has caused me a lot of grief and horror and self-evaluation. All in all, I am very thankful for this person, though, because it awakened a driving need to make SURE I wasn’t wrong about this. I’ve listened to 100’s of hours of scientific evidence, I’ve watched lectures from doctors on both sides, I’ve examined the evidence very very carefully, combing pubmed (the largest medical literature database known to man) for proof either way, reading the clinical trials, even reading Vaccines Did Not Cause Rachel’s Autism by Peter Hotez which was quite an effort. I’m currently reading Dissolving Illusions which is a history of all disease and vaccines starting with the smallpox, and next I want to read the history of the polio vaccine, a book called The Moth in the Iron Lung. The more I read, the more confident I become, and the more my attitude is “take it or leave it.” And the more I realize that this is the truth. Sometimes the truth is painful, inconvenient, and completely contrary to everything we’ve believed. But it remains the truth nontheless, and we must speak the truth. The truth is what “redeems the world from hell,” and I want to be a part of that redemption.

I think the WHO, CDC, and our other “governmaceutical overlords” (as Forrest Marready calls them) are making a mistake. I think that if they would have just left us alone, we would have stayed at 2%, we would have occasionally spoken out here and there, maybe changing a few people’s lives, but most people would just look at these few like crazy conspiracy theorists, and life would have gone on, with probably 95-99% of children getting vaccinated, and the rest of us enjoying our freedom, good health, and living peaceful lives. But no. 2% of children is 2% too much for the WHO. It can’t be tolerated. We must comply. And the injustice, the taking of freedoms, the lack of common sense, the lack of science…it’s caused an uprising of mother warriors that I don’t think they were prepared for. If it’s gotten me to be vocal, it’s going to get anyone else who researches it to be vocal as well, because I’m about the most unlikely person to tackle this issue in the world.

In this quest for knowledge and confidence, I’ve made the criticism that people on the other side tend to be very close-minded. They either shut you down before you have the first sentence out, or later on in the conversation, but almost always before you’ve even begun. This has bothered me more than anything. That niggling feeling of wishing I would have been allowed to say my piece. To actually express myself and hash things out. I also want to always hear what the other person has to say, so it’s not just about me expressing myself, it’s about having a conversation with give and take. If, at the end of a conversation like that, I am unconvinced by their data and vice versa, then I say we can go separate ways without talking about it again and hopefully stay friends without hard feelings. But to be systematically silenced before you’ve even presented your findings? That’s the very definition of close minded. As a result of how this has made me feel, I’ve made the pact with myself that no matter how far I go down this road, I will always listen to the other side. I will always take into account what they want to present, and sometimes, I’ve had to change my mind, or I’ve come up short, not knowing the answers, which sends me on a new search and ends with more knowledge. Which can only be a good thing! And then as I was sitting and thinking to myself the other day…I realized I am very close minded about a certain issue. That issue’s name is circumcision. I have personal experience to back up how I feel about it (one of my brothers who had to be circumcised after marriage, a patient with a necrotic foreskin at work who came back from surgery with part of his penis gone, I’ve seen some nasty penises in my day and almost all of them are uncircumcised, the foley care that goes along with uncircumcised penises, and the list goes on). So I peeked into it cautiously when I first knew I was going to have a boy, but really, my mind was made up, and I didn’t look very hard. I was basically looking for evidence that supported my decision, called that “research” and that’s what we did. Both of the boys are circumcised, both did very well with breastfeeding, both are very healthy and happy. Will they regret it some day? I don’t know. I decided to give myself a dose of open-mindedness against my own will and watched the video on youtube that gets posted every time this discussion comes up and someone is against it. I watched it with as open a mind as I could manage and it made me cringe and worry and it shook me. I talked with Christopher about it, and to be very honest, I don’t know where I stand on it anymore. I lean towards excusing it with Biblical understanding that if God wanted his people to do it, it can’t be just bad, can it? And maybe not even as bad as this video made it out to be? Right? But is that because I’m guarding my heart against possible guilt for putting my boys through an unnecessary procedure that might affect them negatively for the rest of their lives? Maybe. Probably. I’m not sure. Will we do it again if we have another boy? I don’t know…I really don’t know.

This journey hasn’t been all bad. It’s been quite amazing in the good it’s done me as well. I am more confident as a whole. I’m not scared of being criticized by strangers (I still don’t like it from people I love, but I’m not as scared of it as I’ve been in the past), I feel more and more that articulating where we stand and what we believe and why we believe it is important. It makes us stronger. There is no growth in silence. So whatever truth you’re seeing that’s making you ache inside with the burden of unspoken injustice…get up. Speak out. Talk to someone. Have the conversation. You’ll learn new things. You’ll stretch and grow and see new perspectives…you’ll be.

There’s a health view that goes along with the anti group…”let food be thy medicine” is one of them, you realize that we have vaccines for 16 diseases and you see that it’s a drop in the bucket, and most of the worst ones don’t have a vaccine. You read history and see the huge impact on disease mortality by sanitation and nutrition before vaccines were invented, and you realize that “health is the only immunity.” So you walk a path of as few pharmaceutical products as possible (because no, they do not equal health, they treat symptoms and rob your health slowly, most of the time), you learn about health, and you nourish your body and start believing again that God made us perfectly, capable of healing ourselves when we aren’t inhibited by too much toxic junk. You stop fearing a fever in your children and treat it with common sense and remedies that actually work with the body instead of slowing the body down with tylenol and motrin that actually keep them sick longer.

For me, personally, I have grown in confidence in myself and in God. I have gained respect for my God-given mother intuition that has not failed me yet. I have come to realize that God has given us his word to help discern between views when there is conflicting evidence. Diet is where I most come back to God’s word. Science says meat is bad? Wrong. God’s word says it’s good. Science says salt is bad? Wrong again. Science says butter/fats are bad? They couldn’t be wronger. 🙂 I choose who I trust. And I will always believe that God’s word is better than anything we can scientifically prove or not prove.

I personally believe the Bible has a lot to say (indirectly) about vaccines, but I’m going to save that because it’s said to me personally. I’m not going to say this is a salvation issue. But common sense and discernment are still available to us. Who says vaccines are safe and effective? Well, pharmaceutical companies who have probably killed more people all together than most of us want to think about. The same doctors and politicians who are forcing vaccines on medically fragile children, and censoring the rest of the internet as much and as fast as they can. All while refusing to debate anyone on the subject. Their behavior is that of bullies and cowards. Who is saying they’re not safe? Mostly, it’s people with vaccine injured children; the “ex-vaxxers”. Also, people who have given up their careers, who have lost everything (including their medical license) and still kept speaking the truth, those who have walked away from lucrative practices and Emmy award winning shows to fight for the rights of children across the US and the world, never telling anyone what to do (other than maybe “do your research”, and “read the science!”), never forcing their views on others, simply putting out the truth to anyone who will listen. Always willing to debate, always presenting the actual science, never reducing anything to a bumper sticker slogan because they know science can’t be reduced to a simple statement. It’s always more complicated, less black and white, more gray than simply saying, “vaccines are safe and effective.”

History is being made, people. Now is the time to figure out where you stand, to do the work it takes to be either confident in vaccinating (even if there’s 2-5% that chooses not to follow that path–because forcing it on people will always be wrong–especially as long as pharmaceutical companies don’t have liability for them–so you really should come to terms with what you can be comfortable with, or maybe re-evaluate why you aren’t trusting in your vaccines), or confident in not vaccinating and everything that goes along with that, including staying home when you’re sick so that you don’t spread illness, whether we have a vaccine for that illness or not. Now is the time…they’re taking our freedoms away and sleeping through that kind of horror show is not something anyone will ever be proud of. Staying silent when you have something to say isn’t either. So yes, even if you’re against what I’m saying and coming at it from the other side, I welcome your feedback, your corrections, your disagreements. Leave me a comment or message me! Let’s have this conversation. ❤

2 thoughts on “Confessions

  1. Circumcision is pure B.S. If you had half the skepticism for circumcision that you have for vaccines, you would reject it wholeheartedly. Statistically speaking, uncircumcised women have FAR more problems with their junk than uncircumcised men, and they somehow seem to survive unaltered. And look at what European medical authorities have to say about circumcision. It is 100% pure unadulterated B.S. to be scammed into letting a medical professional cut off a piece of your child’s perfectly healthy genitals.


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